Life is an Experiment

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This weekend was a long weekend here in the United States as it was Labor Day Weekend.  My husband had the day off yesterday from work, so we took the three days and did some much-needed home-improvement projects.  We did some painting and replaced a door that had been broken a long time ago in one of my manic episodes.  It was the last piece of evidence we had left of any of those bad times.  It was time to move on.

I think all of this time indoors was a little hard on me.  By the end of last night I was feeling a little stir-crazy.  I ended up taking two Klonopin pills this weekend, something I haven’t had to do in a while.  But as the quote says, life is an experiment.  I had no idea that I would feel like this.

I was able to get out a little bit.  Friday night we went to our favorite coffee shop and played cards for a little while.  Afterward we took a walk.  Other than that, the only outings we had we going to the grocery store and the home improvement store.  I know that I cannot run around constantly and must be alright being home, but I get in some moods where I feel that I just do not want to be home.  I do not feel content being in one place, but I have to work through that. 

I made it through the weekend without any major problems—only a few moments of irritability and bad moods.  But we got all of our projects done.  Next weekend my mother-in-law is visiting and we are going to Universal Studios, so I’ll be able to have some fun.  I think what I need to learn is that you work a little and then you can play a little.  Maybe that’s what the experiment should be about.

Obsessing Over Analytics

“All great men are gifted with intuition. They know without reasoning or analysis, what they need to know.”  ~Alexis Carrel

When I first began this blog, my brother Brian helped me set it up.  I admit that I am not nearly as technologically savvy as he is, and still am not.  He taught me how to do the basics, and slowly I am teaching myself a little more at a time.  When he set it up, he put in a line of code to a program called Google Analytics that tracks how many visitors you get each day.  I thought this was the most amazing tool in the world.  It has become too much for my obsessive mind to handle.

I even found an application for my cell phone with Google Analytics, so when I am not at home, it updates my blog traffic.  I can hit a button on my phone and instantly know how many people have come here.  The problem is that I sometimes judge myself by it, and I know this isn’t healthy.

So I’ve decided to uninstall the application from my phone and not log into the site from my computer.  I do not need to know about web traffic and the metrics behind my site.  The point is for me to write in my online journal and hopefully reach out to others.  It does not matter if ten people or 100 people visit in one particular day.

I really feel that over-analyzing this is taking away from the true nature of what it was supposed to be, so that is why I am distancing myself from the numbers and metrics that I love so much.  I am a very analytical person, so it’s no wonder that that aspect of it appealed to me. 

So now, I go back to writing, and I pretend that Google Analytics never existed…

My Life Has Purpose

‎"The purpose of life is a life of purpose." ~Robert Byrne

I found this quote yesterday and it really spoke to me.  For a while, I used to wonder what my purpose in life was.  It didn’t seem as if I really had any purpose.  I wasn’t working any longer.  Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.  I was depressed all the time and not doing anything with my life.  I felt like a twenty-nine year old loser with a college degree who should be making something of her life.

Fast forward a year and a half and I realize that I do have a purpose.  After reading that quote yesterday, I received a comment on this blog from something thanking me for writing.  They told me that my words were what they were thinking.  I have received numerous comments like that, but I haven’t in a while.

I had been thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t be writing every day and that maybe I am far along enough in my recovery to write every other day, or maybe even less frequently than that.  But then I realized that part of why I write is to help other people—people that haven’t decided to or can’t find the words to express how they feel.  I also know there are people that write their own blogs that read mine.  I know I get a lot of inspiration from reading theirs.  So maybe my purpose is to keep writing and using my voice.  Besides, I love to write and this brings me so much joy.

In the beginning, I never experienced writer’s block because I had so much I needed to say.  Now that I have gotten a lot of that out of my system, there will be times when I may struggle to find the words.  That is normal and does not mean that my voice and purpose are gone.  I still need to be there to inform others as to what goes through the mind of someone with a mental health issue.  I still want others to know that what they are thinking and feeling is completely ok and they are not alone.

So I will stay this course and continue on with this, as this has helped me so much.  It also helps me to know that I am helping others.  I do have value and purpose.  Thank you for that comment, because it helped me to see that what I am doing is not just about me.

Independent Woman (Me!)

My husband Jack came home last night and I am happy to report that I did better than expected while he was away.  I was very worried that I would be extremely lonely and be ready to pull my hair out, but I went out with my friend Kristin on Wednesday and Thursday nights and had a great time.

Between spending time with my grandmother and Kristin, and being alright by myself the remainder of the time, I realized that I am more independent than I thought I was.  That is not to say that I didn’t miss Jack, because I did, but I proved to myself that I do have my own life.

It is nice to know that I do have people who care about me.  Both my grandmother and Kristin knew that I was by myself and took the time to drive to my house.  My grandmother spent the night here, and Kristin came and got me and brought me back to her house. 

It also made me realize that I need to spend more time socializing even when Jack IS here.  I am extremely social by nature, but Jack is not.  He is content spending time with just me.  While I love him, sometimes that gets old to me.  I need more social interaction than with just one person all of the time.  That is where our personalities differ.

I need to find a balance, because before all of my troubles began, I was out all of the time.  I know that that was too much.  But staying home or going out with just Jack becomes too stifling to me, too.  I am going to discuss this with him.  If he does not want to be included in going out with other people, I will go out with my girlfriends within reason.  I feel that this is good for my own mental health.

I am glad that he is home.  It is nice to have someone to converse and laugh with in the house again.  But it is also nice to know that I am more independent and stronger than I thought I was a week ago.

Maybe More of This is Me Than I Thought

I have been taking my Geodon as prescribed by my psychiatrist every day and have been feeling pretty good.  This is the most level I’ve felt in a while.  I am curious by nature, and feel it is my responsibility to learn as much about my medication as possible.

I was reading about how Geodon works.  From what I have read, the recommended dosage is twice a day instead of once a day like I am taking it.  The reason for this is because Geodon has a very short half-life.  That means that it goes through your system very quickly.  If that is the case, I am basically unprotected by it after noon (as I take it at dinnertime the night before).

Perhaps more of what I am doing is me on my own and less because of the medication.  If more than half of the day I have none of it left in me and am unmedicated, then I am amazed at how well I am doing.  I have not had any big problems, other than a little restlessness and anxiety here and there.  That usually passes quickly when I change what I am doing.

I plan on discussing this with my doctor when I see her in two weeks, but I know I am fine.  Maybe I read too much.  But this does make me question how much of this is my own strength versus the meds.  I have no doubt my doctor is competent, but I find it odd that I am not following the usual guidelines for the medicine.

Either way, things seem to be going well, and I am staying calm.

Finding Happiness Between the Bookends

"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things." ~Henry Ward Beecher

I used to think that everyday life was boring, and that the only things that made me truly happy were the monumental things I had to look forward to.  Things like vacations and big events in my life.  I am now seeing that there is happiness in the everyday normal things that I once saw as mundane.

For example, yesterday I spent the day shopping with my grandmother.  It really wasn’t that monumental, but it made me happy.  We shopped and talked and had a nice day.  Then she went home.  That was something that a few months ago I wouldn’t have given a second thought to.  I would have taken for granted as an everyday thing as thought, “what’s the big deal?”.  It WAS a big deal.  I got to spend some quality time with someone I love.

Even something as simple as writing makes me happy.  I do it every day and I look forward to it.  It is the highlight of my morning.  I wake up, make a pot of coffee, look for a quote that inspires me, and have some quiet time of reflection.  That certainly is not something huge or eventful as a vacation, but it does make me happy.

All of the things I do on a daily basis that bring me joy add up, and instead of waiting for some big life event to happen, I should be thankful that there are small things in my life that make me smile.  My life is not all gloom and doom like I once thought.  There are people in my life that bring me happiness.  I have great family and friends that care for me, and I for them.

I used to think that life was a series of boring events nestled in between hugely happy and pleasurable ones and disastrous ones.  That is not the case.  There really is an in-between.  Each day can bring at least one joyful event, or something good that has happened.  Maybe there will also be something that wasn’t so positive, but that is what life is.  Not an all or nothing existence.  Life is not like a set of bookends, where the middle is an expanse of nothingness.

A Pat on the Back From Myself

“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.”  ~Abraham Lincoln

I am halfway through my week without my husband as he is away for work.  I have to admit that I am handling it better than I thought I would.  I thought it might throw me into a depression or tempt me to self-medicate, turning me manic.  It has thankfully done neither.

Sure, I have had plenty of contact with my family.  My mother and I talk as much as possible when she is not working.  My husband calls when he can.  My friends have called to make sure I am alright.  My grandmother came to visit me yesterday and spent the night and is staying until this afternoon.  So I have not been completely alone.  But I am more alone than usual.

My moods have been level and I have not have any problems.  When my grandmother leaves, I plan on doing more cleaning in preparation of my mother-in-law coming to visit next week.  My goal was to have the house be in better shape than when my husband left.

The other thing I am proud of is that the old me would have been bored and lonely and would have turned to alcohol.  The truth is that I have no desire to do this.  I really feel that my medicine has replaced this desire because it quells my racing thoughts enough that I do not want to do self-destructive things.  Several months ago my husband never would have trusted me enough to  go out of town like this.  He would have been too scared that I would have possibly gotten drunk, manic, and hurt myself.  But all of that has changed.  I really am a different person.

I have a bad habit of not giving myself enough credit, even for small things.  So today I will give myself a pat on the back and be thankful that this week is half over and the end is in sight.  I am glad that I do not live alone, and that I have the company of my husband.  I am proud of what I have accomplished this week and will keep going on the right track.